Heartbreak

Liv and I have decided to part ways. I feel a bit embarrassed to share this because I recently proclaimed our love publicly. But I’d rather continue to be honest with the world than try to make things look like something they’re not.

I wish I could say that we’re “consciously uncoupling”. It doesn’t quite feel that way. But I know we’re both doing our best.

The point of this post is about heartbreak. Fuck. I am so heartbroken. The kind of aching, agonizing, screaming on the ground feeling like I’m going to die heartbroken. And that pain is not about trying to get something or someone back. It’s about letting myself honor both the experience of missing and the recognition of the love that is there. The love that will always be there.

And you know what? I fucking love that I am able feel this. That I can love so deeply that when rupture happens, a part of me literally dies so I can be reborn. That my heart can shatter and be rebuilt to hold more love.

There was about 10 years of my life where I couldn’t shed tears. At some point in my teenage years I shut that down. And so for years there was so much pain and heartbreak locked inside me. People in my life died and I couldn’t mourn. Relationships ended and I couldn’t grieve.

Now I can. Fuck yeah.

I’m fascinated by the cycles of life. It was about 4 years ago that I was in my last heartbreak and through that found immense courage to live the life I truly wanted. And here I am again — utterly heartbroken and at the same time feeling immense love and inspiration.

A mystery school for people in male bodies is birthing. An earth temple land-based community in New Mexico is landing.

And I would let my heart break 1,000 more times to bring this into being.

With love,

Spencer