The Paradox of Masculinity: What We Teach Men

The following is the first of several posts about being a man in our society and the paradox that what we’re taught actually inhibits us from becoming who we think society wants us to be.

I recently asked about 20 male friends ages 25–60 to share what they learned about “being a man” at each stage of their schooling. I used schooling as a lens because it makes it easy for the question answerer and reader to place themselves at the various times in their life.

You will see that what our society teaches our boys about manhood is not only harmful and destructive, but it’s also preventing these boys from even attaining the various markers of manhood that our society expects from them. More on that later, but first, the responses:

“What is today’s society construct of being a “real man”?

• Be fit, well groomed, intelligent, mysterious, independent, steady and even-keeled
• Have a great job and a hot wife
• Make a lot of money and provide for your family
• Do things that require a lot of money
• Be stubborn and/or aggressive

“What did you learn from society and your peers about being a man during”

Elementary School

• Follow the rules, stay in line, fit in, control yourself
• Boys don’t cry
• Doing what I wanted would get me in trouble
• Tell my parents what they want to hear
• Don’t ask for help, don’t have needs

Junior High School

• Be cool at all costs
• Boys don’t cry — and doing so makes you gay
• Don’t be a fag. Being a fag can mean: being unathletic, being friends with women in a nonromantic way, expressing yourself too much, being artsy or eccentric
• Don’t be weird
• Be the best at sports
• Being loud and unruly was an alpha male thing to do
• Men pursue multiple women at once
• Trying hard is for losers

High School

• Be cool and popular and happy
• Drinking is cool
• Stay in the closet and definitely don’t be a faggot
• Numb any pain and suffering with tobacco and alcohol
• Be an asshole to females
• Hook up with as many girls as possible and go as far as you can every time you hook up
• Don’t try so hard
• Men are better leaders than women. Guys may perform worse but are given more opportunities.
• Be an athlete, and if you’re not an athlete, be good at something but don’t be eccentric
• Don’t fail, failure indicates a personal shortcoming

College

• Work out and be in the best shape of your life
• Have sex with as many women as possible x6
• Be loud, and party hard. Be fun.
• Be a natural, don’t try hard
• Be safe alone without support. It wasn’t ok to be afraid.
• Having sex is what makes you manly
• Men don’t try hard at academics but get a great job after college

Future posts will address the objectification of women and and homophobia but what I want to address first are the paradoxes presented in these answers. When I reflect on my own experiences what I notice is that the paradoxes were and are most painful. The basic lesson for men is to conform yet be exceptional. I recall feeling like I was literally going insane in college while feeling that I had to party all the time, sleep with a lot of women, get awesome grades, a high paying job AND all the while not appear to be trying hard to do any of these things.

Interestingly, very little of what we teach boys about being men is helpful at all in attaining society’s construct of successful manhood. Here are a couple core examples:

Have an important and high powered job

Very little of what we teach men about manhood is helpful in attaining or doing a “great job”. Some examples of a “great job” could be being a successful artist, entrepreneur or having a leadership position at a company. As many successful businesspeople and artists would agree, there is usually no roadmap for success. Being creative, risk-taking and willing to think for ourselves is essential. This is where the trouble begins. Men have learned to conform, avoid failure, not try too hard and let others define our values. Unfortunately the consumer market and business leaders are not looking for another follower! They’re looking for someone creative, courageous and hard working. As the corporate ladder has vanished it’s no wonder that men are downright scared. Our manhood is at stake and much of what we learned about being a man is not only useless in this endeavor, it is getting in our way.

Have a successful relationship with a beautiful woman

If you take one glimpse at the list of what we teach men from above it’s pretty clear we’re in deep trouble here. As grown men, society expects us to have a successful relationship with a woman. If you’re gay, clearly this will be difficult to accomplish. It may even be difficult to accomplish a successful relationship with a male partner because you’ll need to work through any accumulated guilt, shame, or general torment you’ve had to go through with coming to grips with your sexuality.

For the straight population we’re likely also facing an uphill battle. We’ve learned that failure at anything means weakness, that being being too friendly with women makes you gay, that women are objects, and that real men don’t express their emotions. Based on those lessons you may not have much practice at authentically relating to women, being friends with women (friendship being helpful foundation for a relationship), or putting yourself out there enough to actually meet a woman! Then there is that whole vulnerability thing…yeah…

While I don’t have a perfect “answer” to these challenges it’s clear to me that it’s time for men define ourselves and our own version of manhood versus letting it be decided for us. This requires the willingness to look inward. More on this to come.

In the meantime I’d love to hear your thoughts on this article and the ideas presented and to also learn from you about what you learned about being a man growing up and how you view society’s expectations today.